I think it's time for what I have learned in the past little while. I have completely learned and are learning so many things about myself. I guess it's just a time of re-evaluating my life. The time when one chapter closes and you are starting a new one.
I have learned that I suck at intimacy. I only want to let some people close enough to really know me and I keep all others at a safe distance. It is my fear of getting hurt that I draw this from. I continue to work on this everyday. Most of my friends are extremely patient with me which is great. I do have some amazing friends out there that have been so utterly supportive of me lately. It has been tough lately but you'll are always there to make sure I'm
doin alright.
I have realized that I still have a heck of a lot of questions of myself and of God that I just don't have the answers too. Some of them I won't know the answers to till I'm hanging out with the Big Guy. Some of my questions are as simple as "what do I really like?" to more complicated ones like "What are my ultimate goals in life? Have they changed?"
I have realized that I had been pushing God away most of the summer. Yeah, God was always with me, but my relationship was all of a sudden more important then my relationship with God. I feel like I need to play catch up and I feel as though now that I need Him, I don't deserve Him. I need to spend more time with God. For God is the reason that I do all that I do. I say that I want to be a pastor but right now I feel further away from God then ever. I need to reclaim my relationship with Him
Been thinking of course a lot about "The One". As Christians we are always told about the one. The pressure to find that one person that God has made for you. Well, like all people I have a goal of a family someday. The desire is so great. (I guess that's why I love psalm 137 so much.)Anyways, back to the one... So, I was thinking about this on the bus today on the way to school cause I was talking to Faye yesterday about her families theory of "the one". See they're theory is that there are more then one "the one" out there. God makes a bunch of them for you to fit all the options that you have in life and no matter what path you choose you will find "the one" that fits that path. Kinda like a choose your own adventure novel but in the end you always end up with "the one". This truly gives me hope. I can make my own choices with the help of God and no matter what it is God has already figured out how many "the one"'s I need. So, as I was riding on the bus this morning. This thought occurred to me. It was my Epiphany moment... This last relationship was good, I can't imagine what it will be like to find "the one"! I thought for awhile that nothing can beat this past relationship...but the truth is God will beat it! He has someone that I am going to be complete with.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future. Thinking tons about what I really want to do in my life. There are certain things that I know for a fact that I want to do with my life. Things that I am not willing to give up. Some I am willing to postpone if in someway certain circumstances are set before me. Don't get me wrong things that I want to do in my life will get done no matter what. It is one of those stubborn issues. I know for a fact I want to be a pastor. I know that I want to be a wife and mother. I know that I would love to live in New York for at least a year. I know that I want to visit Italy. I know I want to study art. I know that in 2 years I am going to Israel!! Though I know that my life plan, isn't all planned out. I know that I want to do these things and I have no idea when all of this is going to happen. Though I know these are things that I want and need to do. The time frame is a bit unclear at this point. But that is the
spontaneousness of me and God.
I know that these are just some growing pains...I just thought at 25 I was done growing up...never assume anything!
