Were Did 2008 go and why can't I have it back?

What a year! I knew that it is really geeky to do a year in review. I wish that I was less geeky then I am I guess. I just feel like I need to highlight the challenges and the journey's I have had. Well, maybe it is not so much a year in review as a look back over my life's journey the last year. The things I have learned and the things that I want to share. As we finish up the Christmas season in the secular way. (Wahoo for the Church calendar as we are not quite done with Christmas...that is till my favorite season of all, in the Church year that is Epiphany!) So, maybe this is a review to start the next season in life the next phase in the spiritual life.

So, lets just say that it is the unpacking of this year in preparation for repacking for next year.
This is what I picked up as items packed and items that are souvenirs. ( I feel that Charles would be so proud of my theory.)

Life is hard...I know a big shock to everyone's understanding. I know, huge Epiphany there. No, I mean it really is hard. I never knew how hard it was till this past year. See what everyone has gone through in my family. Some times it is so hard that is sucks! With my Dad and all it has been hard and ever so trying. Flying from Calgary to Toronto...and back and forth and back and forth. The strength to just survive the airport in Toronto alone is unbelievable, let alone while ill. I still marvel at that. My Dad's strength to go on in life is something that I have learned to admire. He didn't ask to be sick or did he make himself sick. Yet, he blames no one. There is little talk about going after the people that made him sick. It happened in the past and I guess there is no reason to be angry about it.

My Mom is a rock. I have seen her go through a lot this year. I mean her name should be Peter. For she is the Rock that our family is built on. She still amazes me by what she did and is doing for not only my Dad but for my whole family I am blessed to have her as my Mom. I have learned to give more then I receive from her. I am not a good receiver because of it. I have learned to take care of those that need it. She has taught me the meaning of God giving you what you can handle. With every new thing she takes it in stride.
She is still teaching me about what type of Mother I want to be some day and a wife. .I still remember the most heartbreaking moment is last Christmas when my Mom came home after seeing my dad in the hospital and he wasn't looking good and she curled up and bed with me. (my mom and I slept together a lot then for comfort more then anything.) She said to me "He's my whole world." I want someone to be my whole world and for me to be theirs.

I am okay by myself. I know my last blog really went over it. BUT just to go over it. I went to Japan and Korea...It still feels like a dream...I went all by myself...I can do things that I want to do just with myself. It's not just that though. I lived the better part of a year all by myself. I did survive. I ate and cooked and got around. I went to the museum and out to brunch on a Sunday all by myself. I still have that great memory that I will never give up. I could live the rest of my life with myself and I could be okay. This is not saying that this is the greatest desire that I have for my life. I want to get married and I do want a family. But, I am okay till then!

God is Great! I know that is something that you should be reminded of all the time. But in the past year I have had encounters with people and moments that I know that God exists. There are moments...Lunch with Vickie by the beach and most beautiful place for shrine ever...Being Stuck on the mountain in Korea with Luke...Getting the medical plan for my Dad...Him going through and surviving everything that he has...The smile in that my nephew has when he laughs... My Niece's laugh...There are so many more big and little moments that make's me believe without a shadow of a doubt that God is Great! That God is the Father in heaven that blesses all with his presents! I do Love him like I could love anyone!

So, as this years journey ends and the next one begins....I hope I learn half as much or more of what I learned this year. I feel that I have been challenged and I feel that the challenges and learning experiences are not done in life. I just hope that maybe they will be a little less dramatic. I pray that everyone else learns and gains knowledge of what God is doing in there lives and takes the time to look back on the year and does there own unpacking and repacking.
For the journey never ends. The destination might look different but it is the gathering of experiences that you have that give the Epiphany journey some meaning. Work on the thing that looks unworkable. Take all you need and leave the rest. There are souvenirs that are worth taking home and others that are meant to cherish for a while and then be left in the end in the hotel room. I challenge everyone to unpack and repack for the new adventure is about to start.

Top 10 Things I learned from my trip!

10. That Canadians are liked by most people

9. That Celebrities do have it rough

8. That being Caucasian in an Asian Country is a little like being a celebrity

7. Vending Machines should be everywhere in all countries. Not limited to drinks either!

6. That North Americans in any service industry that gets tipped have it easy. To tip is an insult in Japan and Korea

5. Chopsticks - Japan so easy and regular. Korea flat metal and easy once you get use to them.

4. Rice - eat all in Japan or you insult the host. Don't eat all in Korea or you haven't had enough to eat

3. Japanese people have a large addiction to fuzzy mickey mouse ears and hats.

2. Ontario really is the center of the universe...well according to Koreans. Koreans like to talk about Ontario. Japanese like to talk about the Mountains.

1. Calpis

my trip!

I have returned from my trip not the same as I left. I feel that I have changed. I feel like I have grown. I am guessing that all trips should make you feel this way. You learn new things on new adventures whether they are great international trips or road trips across this great nation of ours or if you fly in a plane for hours or travel in a car for days. I feel that all journeys are important and are indeed moments of growth are within them.
I feel I have come back stronger then what I left. I have learned that I can be alone. I can eat by myself, I can tour a city by myself, and I can enjoy Disneyland alone. I am okay alone! I feel stronger because of it! I feel whole.
God lead me on this trip. Every aspect of me going on this trip was easy. I had more money then I need to be able to go. Every time I turned around I was getting money in the mail from pension pay outs or some other thing. God wanted me to go. I wanted to go. I needed to go.
I feel now that I can go anywhere and do anything. Once you have mastered 2 things I feel like you can travel anywhere. First, the point and order (this is really key in Asia, they are fans of pictures on there menus). You need no language connection if you can point to what you want. Always look for the picture menus. Second and equally as important is Charades. If you can mime it they will eventually know what you are looking, asking, telling them about. This is really useful in the case of a search of a washroom (toilet).
There are some things that I feel that one should know languge wise when travelling...Hello and thank you. When you are a tourist being polite Canadian is what you want to be. I felt that I never learned these 2 things in Korea and I wish I knew them.
So, you know when you are doing something that is going to be a great adventure but you really don't realize it. The ah ha Epiphany moment, (thank you charles!) that you have at any moment on an adventure or journey. I had a couple, first one would be when I first got to Tokyo and I am following the direction that my little hotel has give to get there. I have taken the limo bus to another hotel. I get a cab with the automatic door and a driver with a hat and white gloves. As I hand over the address to my hotel. This is where I need to explain addresses in Japan. First of all I should say I never knew this till later in my trip. Addresses in Japan are for a general area not to a direct location. Like one might say that my address could be 1013-7-10, Huntington hills, Calgary. Yup, very descriptive. So, I was in a taxi where the driver punch's the address in to the GPS and comes up with the route that the GPS gives it to get to my hotel. Well, GPS does not know about buildings and other things that get in the way of the most direct routes in Japan. I am in the taxi where the driver gets lost and somewhat confused by the directions the GPS has given him. He starts what I think of as swearing in Japanese. Me not knowing any Japanese at all and not understanding what he is say. I can tell by the tone of voice and his body languge that this is not a good situation for him. There are 3 things that are going through my mind at this point in time. First, This guy is wishing that this white person didn't get into his taxi to begin with. Second, I have no way of helping him at all and lastly and the factly the most important thing..."Wholy sh$t I am in Japan and what the hell was I thinking that I could do this all by myself. I don't know the languge. I don't know anyone.what am I doing here." The driver did turn around when we got to a gate that we could not go through and did get me there safe and sound. I was ever so releved to see the outside of the hotel that I had seen in pictures!
My second one is much more personal. The whole trip was the ah ha I can do this by myself. I can travel and figure things out by myself. If I needed to I can do it. I could live in a foreign country and enjoy it even. Or at least know enough to get by.

Stormy Cloudy Love?

There has been tons of stuff flying and floating around in my head this past while. It all seems somewhat always there. In the middle of all this mixed up and tossed around thoughts. I am trying to find God. I am fighting to figure out what God wants from me. I know what I want. But would like to factor God into this equation as well. Maybe it just my rationalization of life and yes love that I am too good at. Maybe my sister is right. I am waiting for that fairytale romantic notion of what love is as seen in the countless movies that I do watch. Maybe as one has said, "You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in the movie."

It has seemed as of late that there is and has been plenty of focus on love. People I know starting out those buddy romances,people getting married, people trying to fix me up with people, And People questioning my romantic love life or lack there of.

I thought that I was sure of when you know you know...But how do you know? What makes one realize who the right one for them is?

when the perfect song finds you in the perfect mood

"Don't Wanna Think About You"
by Simple Plan

Can you leave me here alone now
I don't wanna hear you say
That you know me
That I should be
Always doin what you say

Cuz I'm tryin to get through today
And there's one thing I know

I don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out
I Don't wanna think about you
Or think about nothin
Don't wanna talk this one out
I won't let you bring me down
Cuz I know
I don't wanna think about you

Don't wanna think about you

When I wake up here tomorrow
Things will never be the same
Cuz I won't wait
Cuz you won't change
And you'll always be this way

Now I'm gonna get through today
And there's one thing I know

I don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out
I don't wanna think about you
Or think about nothin
Don't wanna talk this one out
This time I won't let you bring me down
Won't let you shut me out
This time I know
I don't wanna think about you

Run away
Run away
Running as fast as I can
Run away
Run away
I'll never come back again
Run away
Run away

Don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out
Don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna talk this one out

I don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out (figure this out)
I don't wanna think about you
Or think about nothin
Don't wanna talk this one out
This time I won't let you bring me down (bring me down)
Won't let you shut me out (shut me out)
This time I know
I don't wanna think about you

Run away
Run away
I don't wanna think about you
Run away
Run away
I don't wanna think about you
Run away
Run away
I don't wanna think about you

New Camera...New Photo!

My sister keeps telling me that I have a gift. I am starting to believe that I do. I take sometimes beautiful pictures of Children.

I Miss You!

When You're Gone
BY AVRIL LAVIGNE

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

[Chorus]

Missing You
BY AMY GRANT

Your smile lights up a room
Like a candle in the dark
It warms me through and through
And I guess that I had dreamed
We would never be apart
But that dream did not come true

[Chorus:]
Missing you is just a part of living
Missing you feels like a way of life
I'm living out the life that I've been given
But baby I still wish you were mine

And I cannot hear the telephone
Jangle on the wall
And not feel a hopefull thrill
And I cannot help but smile
At any news of you at all
And I guess I always will

[Chorus]

Diamonds....

Coffee Shop
by Landon Piggs

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you
Yes theres a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I want to come too

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you

No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while I never knew
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while I never knew

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you
Yes theres a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine
Now I'm shining too

Because oh because
I've fallen quite hard over over you

If I didnt know you, I'd rather not know
If I couldnt have you, I'd rather be alone

I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while I never knew
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop
I love so much
All of the while, I never knew

All of the while , all of the while

I am absolutely in love with this song. I fall for songs every once and a while. (I am a sucker for anything acoustic. If you play acoustic I could love you forever!) I fell in love with this song like most who have heard it in the diamond commercial. (diamonds are forever) Though every time I watch the commercial I am slightly irritated. Why one would ask...because of the context in which the song is used. Do to the lyrics. The first verse is what is used in the commercial.

I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you
Yes theres a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
I want to come too

So, like me a hopeless romantic that I am. I picture the perfect proposal moment as I hear the lyrics. Really I see my proposal moment. I see candle light, roses, chocolate and this song either being played to me or in the background. It is perfect.

But the real commercial falls short of all these dreams.

why?

Have you ever had a decision made for you?

I am not one of those non romantic types that are all bitter about love. I have never been. It is my dream to get married. I want to fall in love. But right now I just want to punch strangers in there cute loving relationships. Not only strangers but friends and others.

What does this have to do with the question "Have you ever had a decision made for you?" you should be asking right now?

Because I have... some what recently and I might not be in full agreement with the decision. Though it looks like I can't change it. This is where the bitterness comes from. I don't think that it is the right decision. I don't agree...why can't I tell him that? The decision was mine to make....but it was made for me. I want what I want....and right now I want to try again with you....



----------------
Now playing: Serena Ryder - Weak In the Knees
via FoxyTunes

hmmmm

"Come In With The Rain"
By Taylor Swift

I could go back to every laugh,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore,
And I know all the steps up to your door,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore.

Talk to the wind, talk to the sky,
Talk to the man with the reasons why,
And let me know what you find.

I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cause I’m too tired at night to call your name.
Just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.

I could stand up and sing you a song,
But I don’t wanna’ have to go that far.
And I, I’ve got you down,
I know you by heart,
And you don’t even know where I start.

Talk to yourself, talk to the tears,
Talk to the man who put you here,
And don’t wait for the sky to clear.

I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cus I’m too tired at night to call your name.
Oh, just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.

I’ve watched you so long,
Screamed your name,
I don’t know what else I can say.

But I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cus I’m too tired at night for all these games.
Just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.

I could go back to every laugh,
But I don’t wanna’ go there anymore…

HAHAHA...I laugh at sickness!

I started a completely different post that I wanted to write about but then...like a bat in the night so unexpected and yet so real I was dealt some new cards. Yes, I know really bad humor does not make me funny either does really good jokes for that matter or even mixed metaphors but I digress.

Maybe it might just be the ever so long hours I have spent in a horizontal position or it might just be some of the antibotics doing some more not agreeing with me. But some how I feel smarter and more witty. Thought not witty enought to say name my child Arnold, but some how better then I was before. I might be going a little stir crazy from all my time spent alone in bed watching way too much bad tv or it might be all the funny comments I make with my Dad when we are visiting the Clinic for the second time in two days. It could also be that I was actually feeling better on Sunday and Monday then out of no where Monday night I am lying awake feeling ever so cold. I think though part of it has to do with me pointing out the irony that I always seem to be on Penicillin an my own Father is severly allergic to Penicillin, thus as the sick and somewhat humors universe therefore makes me react to the Penicillin myself. Oh, how great life is. But as I sat in the Lab Services clinic waiting for them to take some blood tests I found it ever so amusing that I, Jen was getting Mono tests done. Yes folks I might have Mono! And where does one get the kissing disease from when you are over the normal range that it found most often (13-18 yrs). Well, being as though I work in a school. I must have gotten it from a child! Can life be more funny! I think not!

Real humanity?

Been finding myself watching The Hour on CBC lately. Maybe it is because the news is so hard to watch lately. Or maybe it is because of George. But awhile ago he had a man on that hosts this blog. Ever since I found it I have been checking on a regular basis. Reminds me of the reality of humanity.

So check it out! http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Where's my umbrella???

I would in no way state that my life is either supremely eventful or exciting. I know that like most I have moments. But all in all I feel that I have been blessed with a typical middle class life. I am in no way saddened that this is so. I rather relish in the predictability of it. The greatest joy comes from the aspects of same and ordinary aspects of the daily tasks. Where is this going you ask?

I am not one for drama in my life. I do not have all the wild antics of The Real World in my life. That being said I feel as though a storm is brewing on the horizon. I see it coming and I know that I can't get out of the way. I am not sure if there is a big enough Umbrella in all of Rihanna's songs is going to keep me dry. I am not sure how it is all going to end. I pray that it ends well and that I end up dry somehow by the grace of God.

I ask for prayer.

What I have your learned this summer?

I have learned so much this summer. It has almost been better then any course in school (of course not including a Charles course). It is being at the time and place in your life in which you are no longer going to be young for the rest of your life. As my mom has said " I have seen you really grow up this summer." That I have!

Things that I learned this summer...

1. Never work for someone that you don't have complete confidence in.

2. Love is not where it ends...it is not where it begins either....

3. The best jokes ever!

4. That the perfect husband to a seven year old has to be nice and cute.

5. Some kids life stories would fill more pages then mine and that's before they turn fourteen.

6. The best laid plans of mice and men...never go as planned.

7. Some friends you just seem to grow out of.

8. It's good to have a quite home

9. The best times are the unexpected ones!

10. Minor high jinx is just a plain good time!


Becoming a responsible adult is something that most people do sometime in there life and I just am finding that I have become one sooner then most of my friends!

What a Sunday!

Wow! The first and only thing that comes to my mind after the Sunday that I had today. Even though it is not over I know it has been one that will be with me for a while. I went to church this morning like any other Sunday. But switched it up by going to the church of some friends. The morning started with a bus adventure downtown then to catching the train and walking the little distance from the train to Christian Publications where I was meeting my friends. Who in the end were half an hour late. So, standing around Christian pub for almost an hour, since I am one of those people that like to be early, I got to thinking those overly complex things that one should not think about that early in the morning. It was about the direction that I want my life to go. Big thoughts and big decisions. Things that I have been praying about on a regular basis.

So, off to church we finally go. The Pastor was speaking about sacrificing and therefore living a fuller life. That working hard for the best then giving it up so that someone else might receive it. Not only is a great reward for the person that gets the best but also the giver. This then brought me back to what I was thinking about earlier, that I need to give something else to get what is better. To give it up because God has something better for me.With Great Sacrifice Comes Great Reward!

I could have been the only one there....cause God sure has some stuff for me to take from that. It was an answer to a prayer that I have been praying deep down for a long time. Not the easiest answer either. For how many out there are welcoming to the idea of giving up something that you really love with the promise of something better. There needs to be a real bond of trust. Letting go of the safety of the rope swing just over the water and trusting that the water is still there. I know that this is one of the hardest things for me to give up.But I put my trust in God that He has something amazing to replace it. It makes giving up the cherished easier and the reward greater.

Spanglish

I was doing the "It is summer which means there's nothing good on," channel surfing. When I came upon Spanglish a movie that I love. The reason that this is a much loved movie is because it has a great quote that Adam Sandler's character says to Paz Vega who plays his maid. It is a the perfect quote. Not only because it is the most wonderful thing that any man could say to a woman. But that he also fumbles it a bit. That it isn't written in that perfect way. It has the element of life to it.

John Clasky: They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it. Staring is the only way that makes any sense. And trying not to blink, so you don't miss anything. And all of that, and you're YOU.
[nervous laugh]
John Clasky: I mean...
[looks down]
John Clasky: Look, forgive me. It's just you are DROP DEAD, CRAZY GORGEOUS! So much so that I'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here.

Maybe it's my crazy love for quotes....I have a huge yet growing collection...It is just the most beautiful thing!

Hairy situations!

So, I was lying in bed last night thinking that I forgot to write one of the best stories of the year down.

Like most kindergarten aged children. There has lately been a fascination with scissors. Not only with scissors but of course with hair. By now you might have already started down the path of what happens when children get these two fascinations together. But let me help you out anyways.

This story involves a girl, some scissors and a very busy classroom. We have had an artist in residence at our school doing projects with each classroom. (by the way a dream job of mine to do.) Anyways, the project that we were doing was one that completely took all four adults in the rooms attention to specific students with problems. I am sitting in the middle of the classroom helping some students. The teacher I work with is also sitting in the middle of the room helping students. She looks up from what she is doing to catch the girl with scissors in her hand and hair in the other hand. The teacher asks "Have you been cutting your hair?" The girl says "No." At this point she looks up and there is a very noticeable gap in here bangs in the front, that all of us know wasn't there earlier in the day. At this point I have burst into laughter that I have to contain.

If I start with that one...it leads way to the next. We have a boy in our classroom with long hair for his age. Long as in, you could pull it back into a pony tail with no problem. To add to the long hair. There is the issue that he has very fine features and long eyelashes. In other words he looks like a girl. There are many, many times where he has been mistaken for a girl. Times where he has to bluntly tell someone that he is a boy. It has come to our attention recently that he too has become a hair cutter. This is less noticeable but we keep finding his hair in the class room. You think he is trying to give his parents a message?

Life in Kindergarten!

As some might know I am working in an elementary school right now. Not only am I working in an elementary school but in the Kindergarten class room. This of course leads to the many interesting things and ideas that the children say which make very amusing stories. There is one student that in particular tends to know what to say to make you kill yourself laughing whether he wants to or not. Though being an immigrant from Romania he is not very funny at all in Romanian. I just guess that the humor is completely different then here. I just thought that I would share some of these wonderful stories with you.

Last week, a male student was walking around rubbing his head. I then being a concerned person asked what was wrong. Being in Kindergarten there is always some sort of goings on involving injury. So, I thought that this was the same case. The response was "my head looks funny". Not feels funny, looks funny. What an odd thing to say I know. The student then proceeds to say "It hurts and it makes me scream like a girl boy." To this I say the non understanding "what?" Just to make sure that I didn't miss understand what he was saying. He then repeats "My head looks funny and it hurts and makes me scream like a girl boy. You need to feel it." You of course being me. So, I proceed to touch his head and feeling nothing wrong I say "feels fine to me." He then proceeds to just walk away.

This of course the same boy that has the most famous of lines. The teacher asked where his shoes where because they were not on his feet. His reply is "I think they are paying hide and go seek on me...AND there winning." And his other famous story ever so randomly walked up and said "I'm not lily livered." Then walked away. Lily livered as I later found out is an old English saying for not being a coward. We all still wonder to this day where he picked up the saying. (I have recently though heard it in a commercial and are proud I know what it means.)

Another boy at one of the most random of times. Which is usually when he is suppose to be doing something says to me completely out of the blue. "Did you know that Jesus is God's son." And then walks away. This boy is one of the last that you would think would know anything about God. But just one of those God surprises I guess!

These are just a few and I know that there are more to come....stay tuned!

Passing on your fate....

With or Without you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails (you) she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

-U2


"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certin of what we do not see."
- Hebrews 11:1

As I sit down to write this wonderful post...I use the word fate in very very loss terms. I do almost hate fate. But some how no other word fits. Future just doesn't fit because it's not just the future that is effected it is the here and now. Destiny just seems way to much of a romanticized feel good term. Doom just feels bad. So, I am stuck with fate.

Fate...the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time:

I am feeling like I can't give up my fate. I am feeling lost in the idea that my own fate has been placed in someone else's hands and I have no control over it.It is not like I am giving it to God. It is the hands of actual people. In some way I am handing it to God in directly. It's HUMANS though and we all know that humans make mistakes. It is a scary even terrifying thought that what others do effect the outcome of your own life. This is the way that I am feeling. That important people around me are right now making life choices that in the end will effect the way that life will end up for me.

"If the Lord delights in a man's way he makes his steps firm;
though he stumbles, he will nit fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand."
- Psalm 37:23-24

I am not saying in anyway that I believe that God has no part in this. It is just right now the security of what I think God wants from me may not be what God wants for someone else. If that at all makes sense. It is the uncertainty of God's will in my life and how that correlates to that of other people. It is there for like I am putting my trust in God's plan and there in turn trusting that He is working in the lives of other so that the plan can be completely realized.

"For the Lord loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones."
- Psalm 37:28a

I have huge problems with leaving my fate up to others. I have become a go getter in the sense that if I want something I should do whatever is needed to get it. I have not always been like this. It is the understanding of my own goals that has lead me to be this type of person. So, when it comes for me to return to the passive type it is a hard thing to transition to. This is very true when it effects my life goals as well. I become anxious and not settled.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways.
when they carry out their wicked schemes."
- Psalms 37:7

I guess that in some way it is God stretching me to be better. I should rise to the unknown in my life. I should stretch who I am.