why?

Have you ever had a decision made for you?

I am not one of those non romantic types that are all bitter about love. I have never been. It is my dream to get married. I want to fall in love. But right now I just want to punch strangers in there cute loving relationships. Not only strangers but friends and others.

What does this have to do with the question "Have you ever had a decision made for you?" you should be asking right now?

Because I have... some what recently and I might not be in full agreement with the decision. Though it looks like I can't change it. This is where the bitterness comes from. I don't think that it is the right decision. I don't agree...why can't I tell him that? The decision was mine to make....but it was made for me. I want what I want....and right now I want to try again with you....



----------------
Now playing: Serena Ryder - Weak In the Knees
via FoxyTunes

hmmmm

"Come In With The Rain"
By Taylor Swift

I could go back to every laugh,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore,
And I know all the steps up to your door,
But I don't wanna' go there anymore.

Talk to the wind, talk to the sky,
Talk to the man with the reasons why,
And let me know what you find.

I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cause I’m too tired at night to call your name.
Just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.

I could stand up and sing you a song,
But I don’t wanna’ have to go that far.
And I, I’ve got you down,
I know you by heart,
And you don’t even know where I start.

Talk to yourself, talk to the tears,
Talk to the man who put you here,
And don’t wait for the sky to clear.

I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cus I’m too tired at night to call your name.
Oh, just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.

I’ve watched you so long,
Screamed your name,
I don’t know what else I can say.

But I’ll leave my window open,
‘Cus I’m too tired at night for all these games.
Just know I’m right here hopin’,
That you’ll come in with the rain.

I could go back to every laugh,
But I don’t wanna’ go there anymore…

HAHAHA...I laugh at sickness!

I started a completely different post that I wanted to write about but then...like a bat in the night so unexpected and yet so real I was dealt some new cards. Yes, I know really bad humor does not make me funny either does really good jokes for that matter or even mixed metaphors but I digress.

Maybe it might just be the ever so long hours I have spent in a horizontal position or it might just be some of the antibotics doing some more not agreeing with me. But some how I feel smarter and more witty. Thought not witty enought to say name my child Arnold, but some how better then I was before. I might be going a little stir crazy from all my time spent alone in bed watching way too much bad tv or it might be all the funny comments I make with my Dad when we are visiting the Clinic for the second time in two days. It could also be that I was actually feeling better on Sunday and Monday then out of no where Monday night I am lying awake feeling ever so cold. I think though part of it has to do with me pointing out the irony that I always seem to be on Penicillin an my own Father is severly allergic to Penicillin, thus as the sick and somewhat humors universe therefore makes me react to the Penicillin myself. Oh, how great life is. But as I sat in the Lab Services clinic waiting for them to take some blood tests I found it ever so amusing that I, Jen was getting Mono tests done. Yes folks I might have Mono! And where does one get the kissing disease from when you are over the normal range that it found most often (13-18 yrs). Well, being as though I work in a school. I must have gotten it from a child! Can life be more funny! I think not!

Real humanity?

Been finding myself watching The Hour on CBC lately. Maybe it is because the news is so hard to watch lately. Or maybe it is because of George. But awhile ago he had a man on that hosts this blog. Ever since I found it I have been checking on a regular basis. Reminds me of the reality of humanity.

So check it out! http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Where's my umbrella???

I would in no way state that my life is either supremely eventful or exciting. I know that like most I have moments. But all in all I feel that I have been blessed with a typical middle class life. I am in no way saddened that this is so. I rather relish in the predictability of it. The greatest joy comes from the aspects of same and ordinary aspects of the daily tasks. Where is this going you ask?

I am not one for drama in my life. I do not have all the wild antics of The Real World in my life. That being said I feel as though a storm is brewing on the horizon. I see it coming and I know that I can't get out of the way. I am not sure if there is a big enough Umbrella in all of Rihanna's songs is going to keep me dry. I am not sure how it is all going to end. I pray that it ends well and that I end up dry somehow by the grace of God.

I ask for prayer.

What I have your learned this summer?

I have learned so much this summer. It has almost been better then any course in school (of course not including a Charles course). It is being at the time and place in your life in which you are no longer going to be young for the rest of your life. As my mom has said " I have seen you really grow up this summer." That I have!

Things that I learned this summer...

1. Never work for someone that you don't have complete confidence in.

2. Love is not where it ends...it is not where it begins either....

3. The best jokes ever!

4. That the perfect husband to a seven year old has to be nice and cute.

5. Some kids life stories would fill more pages then mine and that's before they turn fourteen.

6. The best laid plans of mice and men...never go as planned.

7. Some friends you just seem to grow out of.

8. It's good to have a quite home

9. The best times are the unexpected ones!

10. Minor high jinx is just a plain good time!


Becoming a responsible adult is something that most people do sometime in there life and I just am finding that I have become one sooner then most of my friends!

What a Sunday!

Wow! The first and only thing that comes to my mind after the Sunday that I had today. Even though it is not over I know it has been one that will be with me for a while. I went to church this morning like any other Sunday. But switched it up by going to the church of some friends. The morning started with a bus adventure downtown then to catching the train and walking the little distance from the train to Christian Publications where I was meeting my friends. Who in the end were half an hour late. So, standing around Christian pub for almost an hour, since I am one of those people that like to be early, I got to thinking those overly complex things that one should not think about that early in the morning. It was about the direction that I want my life to go. Big thoughts and big decisions. Things that I have been praying about on a regular basis.

So, off to church we finally go. The Pastor was speaking about sacrificing and therefore living a fuller life. That working hard for the best then giving it up so that someone else might receive it. Not only is a great reward for the person that gets the best but also the giver. This then brought me back to what I was thinking about earlier, that I need to give something else to get what is better. To give it up because God has something better for me.With Great Sacrifice Comes Great Reward!

I could have been the only one there....cause God sure has some stuff for me to take from that. It was an answer to a prayer that I have been praying deep down for a long time. Not the easiest answer either. For how many out there are welcoming to the idea of giving up something that you really love with the promise of something better. There needs to be a real bond of trust. Letting go of the safety of the rope swing just over the water and trusting that the water is still there. I know that this is one of the hardest things for me to give up.But I put my trust in God that He has something amazing to replace it. It makes giving up the cherished easier and the reward greater.

Spanglish

I was doing the "It is summer which means there's nothing good on," channel surfing. When I came upon Spanglish a movie that I love. The reason that this is a much loved movie is because it has a great quote that Adam Sandler's character says to Paz Vega who plays his maid. It is a the perfect quote. Not only because it is the most wonderful thing that any man could say to a woman. But that he also fumbles it a bit. That it isn't written in that perfect way. It has the element of life to it.

John Clasky: They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it. Staring is the only way that makes any sense. And trying not to blink, so you don't miss anything. And all of that, and you're YOU.
[nervous laugh]
John Clasky: I mean...
[looks down]
John Clasky: Look, forgive me. It's just you are DROP DEAD, CRAZY GORGEOUS! So much so that I'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here.

Maybe it's my crazy love for quotes....I have a huge yet growing collection...It is just the most beautiful thing!

Hairy situations!

So, I was lying in bed last night thinking that I forgot to write one of the best stories of the year down.

Like most kindergarten aged children. There has lately been a fascination with scissors. Not only with scissors but of course with hair. By now you might have already started down the path of what happens when children get these two fascinations together. But let me help you out anyways.

This story involves a girl, some scissors and a very busy classroom. We have had an artist in residence at our school doing projects with each classroom. (by the way a dream job of mine to do.) Anyways, the project that we were doing was one that completely took all four adults in the rooms attention to specific students with problems. I am sitting in the middle of the classroom helping some students. The teacher I work with is also sitting in the middle of the room helping students. She looks up from what she is doing to catch the girl with scissors in her hand and hair in the other hand. The teacher asks "Have you been cutting your hair?" The girl says "No." At this point she looks up and there is a very noticeable gap in here bangs in the front, that all of us know wasn't there earlier in the day. At this point I have burst into laughter that I have to contain.

If I start with that one...it leads way to the next. We have a boy in our classroom with long hair for his age. Long as in, you could pull it back into a pony tail with no problem. To add to the long hair. There is the issue that he has very fine features and long eyelashes. In other words he looks like a girl. There are many, many times where he has been mistaken for a girl. Times where he has to bluntly tell someone that he is a boy. It has come to our attention recently that he too has become a hair cutter. This is less noticeable but we keep finding his hair in the class room. You think he is trying to give his parents a message?

Life in Kindergarten!

As some might know I am working in an elementary school right now. Not only am I working in an elementary school but in the Kindergarten class room. This of course leads to the many interesting things and ideas that the children say which make very amusing stories. There is one student that in particular tends to know what to say to make you kill yourself laughing whether he wants to or not. Though being an immigrant from Romania he is not very funny at all in Romanian. I just guess that the humor is completely different then here. I just thought that I would share some of these wonderful stories with you.

Last week, a male student was walking around rubbing his head. I then being a concerned person asked what was wrong. Being in Kindergarten there is always some sort of goings on involving injury. So, I thought that this was the same case. The response was "my head looks funny". Not feels funny, looks funny. What an odd thing to say I know. The student then proceeds to say "It hurts and it makes me scream like a girl boy." To this I say the non understanding "what?" Just to make sure that I didn't miss understand what he was saying. He then repeats "My head looks funny and it hurts and makes me scream like a girl boy. You need to feel it." You of course being me. So, I proceed to touch his head and feeling nothing wrong I say "feels fine to me." He then proceeds to just walk away.

This of course the same boy that has the most famous of lines. The teacher asked where his shoes where because they were not on his feet. His reply is "I think they are paying hide and go seek on me...AND there winning." And his other famous story ever so randomly walked up and said "I'm not lily livered." Then walked away. Lily livered as I later found out is an old English saying for not being a coward. We all still wonder to this day where he picked up the saying. (I have recently though heard it in a commercial and are proud I know what it means.)

Another boy at one of the most random of times. Which is usually when he is suppose to be doing something says to me completely out of the blue. "Did you know that Jesus is God's son." And then walks away. This boy is one of the last that you would think would know anything about God. But just one of those God surprises I guess!

These are just a few and I know that there are more to come....stay tuned!

Passing on your fate....

With or Without you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails (you) she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

-U2


"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certin of what we do not see."
- Hebrews 11:1

As I sit down to write this wonderful post...I use the word fate in very very loss terms. I do almost hate fate. But some how no other word fits. Future just doesn't fit because it's not just the future that is effected it is the here and now. Destiny just seems way to much of a romanticized feel good term. Doom just feels bad. So, I am stuck with fate.

Fate...the universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time:

I am feeling like I can't give up my fate. I am feeling lost in the idea that my own fate has been placed in someone else's hands and I have no control over it.It is not like I am giving it to God. It is the hands of actual people. In some way I am handing it to God in directly. It's HUMANS though and we all know that humans make mistakes. It is a scary even terrifying thought that what others do effect the outcome of your own life. This is the way that I am feeling. That important people around me are right now making life choices that in the end will effect the way that life will end up for me.

"If the Lord delights in a man's way he makes his steps firm;
though he stumbles, he will nit fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand."
- Psalm 37:23-24

I am not saying in anyway that I believe that God has no part in this. It is just right now the security of what I think God wants from me may not be what God wants for someone else. If that at all makes sense. It is the uncertainty of God's will in my life and how that correlates to that of other people. It is there for like I am putting my trust in God's plan and there in turn trusting that He is working in the lives of other so that the plan can be completely realized.

"For the Lord loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones."
- Psalm 37:28a

I have huge problems with leaving my fate up to others. I have become a go getter in the sense that if I want something I should do whatever is needed to get it. I have not always been like this. It is the understanding of my own goals that has lead me to be this type of person. So, when it comes for me to return to the passive type it is a hard thing to transition to. This is very true when it effects my life goals as well. I become anxious and not settled.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways.
when they carry out their wicked schemes."
- Psalms 37:7

I guess that in some way it is God stretching me to be better. I should rise to the unknown in my life. I should stretch who I am.

an add on to other posts

Just to add on to my previous post.... a list from a group I found on facebook.....

There are some things that guys should do for girls period.

The following is not a list of rules. They're suggestions to encourage guys to be gentlemen. Take 'em or leave 'em.


0. There are always exceptions to this list. The foundational exception is when you actually talk to the her and she says something different than what is included within this list. These suggestions don't provide you with the holy grail of dating or offer you the Ten Commandments for the Ladies Man, they're simply a push in the right direction for being a gentleman.

1. Open doors when possible - whether it be to a building or the passenger car door. the classic example that's stood the test of time.

2. When in a place of worship (or other places that have aisles and pews), if a man is at the end of the pew, when exiting he should stand in the aisle and let all the females go before him. (This seems odd to some people, yet normal for others. If you don't get it, don't worry about it, okay?)

3. A man should tolerate the occasional chick flick, musical, opera, or ballet - whatever her preference is - *without* complaining about it! (Because the guy may just like it.)

4. Play one of the songs that would make any woman weep like the little girl she once was (but in a good way). A brief list includes, but certainly isn't limited, to:
"You & Me" by Lifehouse
Anything by Frank Sinatra
Any rendition of "Everything I Do, I Do it for You"
"Collide" by Howie Day
"Out Of My League" by Steven Speaks
And MOST IMPORTANTLY "Question" by the Old 97's (if you propose to a girl with this song, she is putty in your hands).
("Putty in your hands" is not meant to promote "using women" in any way. This group does not encourage guys to be polite in order to get her into bed.)

5. Talk! The strong & silent bit goes from intriguing to boring quite fast.

6. Find out what her favorite flower is and buy them for her randomly (regardless of the situation you might be in). A simple yet profound truth: a single rose says more than dozens of anything else. (I encourage the women to not allow a guy to "prove himself worthy" through gifts and flowers and such. Trust is a precious thing and it should take a good chunk of time before he gains it back in your heart.)

7. If you miss her, or love her, TELL HER! Even your friends like to hear it every now & again.

8. Re-enact Zales commercials (the ice is nice but certainly not mandatory).

9. Remember: the best gifts you can give are usually free of cost.

10. Leave a note (or send a message) just to say "hi".

11. Ask her questions about herself.

12. Dress nice every once & a while. Any girl likes to see her brother/friend/boyfriend/e

tc. in a well-ironed button-up with some nice slacks.

13. PRIDE & PREJUDICE ...that's all I have to say about that (I mean, that should speak for itself). (It's even more impressive if he has read the book.)

14. Tolerate small children as best you can. Meaning, put up with the things that can get annoying. They're children, after all. Show them love and care, teach them how to become a better man than you. (You were once extremely irritating. Get over the obnoxious kids and enjoy getting down to their level - not "for her", but for the good of yourself and others.)

15. Learn to dance! There is nothing sexier than a man who can dance really well. If God did not bless you with the grace of Fred Astaire, at least put forth the effort, it will be greatly appreciated. Always slow dance (even if it's just like you danced in middle school). Also, men, sing to a lady. Even if you're terrible, suck it up! They love to listen to it and will not care what you sound like. It's the thought that counts on this one. Unless you're just downright terrible, nothing sexy about that. Haha, thanks, Jade!

16. Kiss her on the forehead.

17. When she's sick, stay up with her. If you can cook (which is *always* a plus), make her some soup. If you can't cook, there's Campbell's soup at hand for you.

18. Pretend to throw her in the pool (or fountain/pond). If you really do throw her in, you'd better jump in yourself. **NOTE** There are some women who just hate this apparently, so you had better do two things: 1) Never allow your buddies be a part of it if you're unsure of how she feels about getting thrown in and 2) You had better know how she feels about it!

19. Hold her hand while you talk, drive, or just for the heck of it (it's the small things that win you big points).

20. LOOK IN HER EYES, NOT AT HER CHEST!!!!!

21. Stupid jokes = awkwardly adorable moments.

22. Tickle her, tease her, let her tease you back without getting all bent out of shape about it.

23. Don't call her hot, or pretty, or cute; call her beautiful, because that's what she is. (I don't think cute is that bad, but definitely stay away from "hot" [it's so overused and superficial] and step "pretty" up to beautiful or gorgeous or stunning or captivating or...)

24. Offer her your jacket/sweatshirt. (Note: you may not see that particular item of clothing for a while, if ever again).

25. Don't be too proud to apologize.

26. It's not stalking to watch her sleep if you fall asleep watching a movie. It is stalking to watch her sleep if you're standing outside her window with night vision goggles.

27. When she feels at her worst, tell her she looks her best.

28. If you're trying to get more than friendship out of the relationship, take it slow and never rush her.

29. Just because you're a guy doesn't mean you are completely incapable of calling when you say you will, it just means you are highly incapable of it. There are few acceptable answers to, "Why didn't you call?", & being male is not one of them.

30. Don't check out other girls in front of your female friends/sisters/mother, unless you are sincere when you later ask them if you think she could introduce the two of you for more reasons than you "want to get some". Pull this in front of your girlfriend/fiancee/wife, she has every right to clock you in the jaw.

31. Guys - always offer to pay for the date. No matter how expensive it gets, especially if YOU asked HER on the date. [if she is willing to pay now and again, don't let your "man pride" get in the way of her wanting to give back to you. she should understand money can be tight - especially when you're always buying]

32. Always do everything in your power to keep her as happy as you can. And cheer her up in any way possible. [if she isn't always happy - and i've never met a girl who is - don't be afraid of her and don't be stupid and always, unquestioningly, blame it on PMS. be there WITH her when times are tough and she wants you there.]

33. When walking on the sidewalk, always walk on the outside near traffic. (So everyone has a different opinion for how this started. For some, it's because of the human waste that was getting thrown out the windows when this was happening a century ago. The woman walked under the overhangings extending from the buildings with the guy in the open to take the mess if need be. Others say it's from the guy's scabbard/sword being on his left with the woman walking on the right. As for today, it's the traffic and puddles and what-not. Whatever it is. It's just a courtesy thing, if it seems necessary.)

34. At least do everything in your power to keep cursing to a minimum while around her. If you can, cut it out period while around her, or cut it out of your vocabulary. Women don't want to hear it, guys don't care about it, adults don't want to hear it, it doesn't impress employers, and you sure won't want your children or someone else's to hear it!

35. Sometimes you have to take the initiative. Don't always wait for her to come to you, because if that's how it always is, you're going to lose her.

36. If any lady is walking alone to her car in a dark parking lot/garage, or is carrying a heavy load, always offer to help walk her to her destination and carry things, if not the entire load. **This may work a lot better and come off non-stalkerish if you at least know the girl you're trying to help. Haha thanks to a LOT of people on this revision.**

37. If a woman says no, let that be her final answer with maybe one question of confirmation after her first answer. Do not pressure or force her in any way after that. Don't make her give in to something she doesn't want to do.

38. Always be honest with her. No woman wants or likes a dishonest man. If you can't be honest with her, she can't trust you, and shows you don't trust her enough to be honest. Trust, honesty and integrity are just as an integral part of a relationship and just as important as love.

39. A man should always genuinely listen to women; no matter how bored or busy the man is. Actively listening to the woman will keep him from pain (and bring the man and woman closer together). This works best, of course, when both the man and the woman actively and equally engage in conversation (this includes listening). For the ladies reading this, please talk - always talk - especially if you are having problems with the relationship and to also avoid making bigger problems.

Oh love again....

Tonight when I was hanging out with some friends. One being one of my best friends who recently started dating someone. This someone also being a friend. I thought that it was going to be completely weird. But it wasn't as bas as I had thought it would be. In some ways I now think that I always thought of them together. Though it does concern me how fast the feelings are going at least from one of the sides of the party. Which of course got me thinking while sitting in the middle of all these couples tonight.

What am I looking for?

At this point yes I am happy with me and I really am not actively looking. That being said if someone came along I would not be against it. I just am not looking actively. I now know what I want more then I did a year ago and even more then I did 4 months ago.

I want someone that loves God. Not just someone that has faith and believes. But actively loves God. In the idea that what they do is to explore God and know him better.

I want someone that has strong value of family. That their family is very important to them. This also means not dysfunctional.

I want someone that goes the extra mile. I love flowers. Only ONCE has anyone ever brought me flowers and that was when I turned 6. Presents no matter how big...are a wonderful thing. I am special and worth it!

I want a gentlemen. I like having the door opened for me. I like being treated special cause I am!

I want someone else to do the work. I have never dated someone that I haven't made the first move with. It is time to find someone that will instead.

I have no question that this person is out there and sometimes I think closer then I think. When the time is right then I know that God will place this person in the right place at the right time. It's the whole patients thing! As a woman like most we hate waiting for things.

Are you one of these people?

I was lying in bed last night and had the perfect idea for my next blog post. It was so perfect that I completely forgot what it was that I felt so compelled to write about. Maybe it was the utter exhaustion that I felt or maybe it was the time in the early morning that I thought of such a thing no matter what it was it really left no impression on me what so ever. So instead of the most perfect of topics that may some day return to me, I would rather dive deep into the world of the interweb and talk about the ettiquet or lack there of in the world of Messanging.

http://www.practicaletiquette.com/messenger-etiquette.html

But in my own words I thought that I would share my pet peeves of the wonderful world of MSN. This is the list of the people that we all find in the world of intsant messanging.

1.) The at home and away person....Away is a way for short periods of time. Not for extented periods like the whole day or even hours at a time. If you are gone for that long just sign out!

2.) The always talking but have nothing important to say person...If I am online and you too are online then it is alright give me a hello but if you are just there shooting the breeze and have huge gaps in the conversation then just don't start.

3.) The online but increadably busy person...The person that is always way too busy for any type of conversation yet they are status is online. IF you are busy then either change your status to busy or just sign out.

4.) The always busy person... No one really can be that busy all the time. IF your that busy just sign out!

5.) The random conversation person... feel always like starting a conversation in the middle of it. feel that the conversation makes no real sense. IF the english languge was good enough for Jesus and Shakspear it is good enough for the rest of us.

6.) The always online person...No one can ever be online that much. IF you are then there is somthing called a life away from the computer. There is a place called outside, I'm sure you might like it.

7.) The never start a converstion person...They always seem to talk when you start the conversation but are never willing to start the conversation first. IF you are online then be willing to start a conversation!

8.) The phantom person...You know the one...or do you really? the never seem to be online or they always just sign out when you come online. They are just to fast for you to ever chat with them. If you want to be a friend then be one.

9.) The offline online person...IF you are having computer problems that sign you out then you have to sign back in 20 times within a 5 minute period. Just don't bother unless it is so extremely important that you will just die if you don't tell that one person, then that is alright. But if you need to that bad then Graham Bell did invent a somewhat older yet more reliable device called the telephone.

10.) The one person you don't know...There is always one...for me it is someone with the sceen name CJ. I have no idea who they are. They never talk to me and I never talk to them. What makes this worse though if you have that one typ of these who really do seem to know you and you have no idea who they are.


These are just a few...the top ten if I could say. There are many, many more like the acrynomes person or the we were friends 6 years ago and I still have you on my list. If you fall into these such types of people then I am sorry. I know that I fall into some of them myself. It is almost like no one knows what is proper and respectful in the world of the internet. Not like many people know what proper manners and etiquette are these days there seems to be a lack in some generations about the truely traditional manners that past generations have followed.

Can there ever be a return to proper manners?

A Big Blessing!

My beautiful new niece Emma Alexandra!

check out more of my passion for black and whites again....

Black and Whites

Me...a cool person I am hanging out with lately!

So, I have been asked by a good friend to help out with one of her final papers by being the victim of her psychoanalyzing my past life experiences. Which is not a bad thing. I do have a past that would make many in Christian circles question my now devotion to God. Which brings me back to thinking about myself. Reminds me about the last person that truly challenged me. The one that made me think about my past as something that I now need to make up for. That my past can some how be erased by what I do now. This seems to be some sort of penance that one would do to make their life seem better. This to me is one of the most ridiculous thoughts that anyone could have. My past being what it was and how eventful it might have been or might not have been has if nothing else made me who I am and where I am. Everything that I have done whether it was a wrong or right thing to do has lead me here. This is something that I am proud of being. Here, in this moment in time. I am still clearing up some of those mistakes. Solving some of those problems.

I realized talking to and preparing to talk to this friend. That I am alright with me. I am at that age where yes I am very comfortable in my own skin. I like who I am. That I am who I am because of life and that is nothing to snicker at. Finding out who you are is a tough thing to do. This now puts a prospective on those who I look at in a romantic way. I want to have to marry and have a family. Soon rather then later but that is all up to God, I know. I am looking for someone that has the same confidence in who they are. This relates to my MSN name right now that says "I love cars, video games and sports...I am a typical girl!" Those are just some of the things that I love. I know what I like and what I don't. I know where I want my life to end up someday. I know what I truly value in life. I know what I believe and why I believe it. These are things that I am willing to put up a fight for. I am who I am and I ain't gonna let anyone change that. Well, maybe I am into experiencing new things and I am sure at some point in time I will change things. But, on major issues...people just have to get use to who I am!

So, what I am saying is that I am me. I have a past that has made me this way. I know and understand my beliefs and values. I therefor I am looking in life for a man that has the same understanding of themselves.

things that make you go hmmmm...

I've been visiting memory lane recently. How you might ask? By watching one of my favorite shows of all time, Dawson's Creek. Yes, I am one of those people that at 7pm on Tuesday nights were glued to there T.V. to see if Dawson and Joey or Pacey and Joey were going to make it. I was one of those girls. I had to see each week how these teenagers were going to survive whatever crisis, however small. Would they make the right decision? Would it in the end turn out alright? Is the ultimate love really all that they dreamed it would be?

Well, now that I have free time on my hands, I have been visiting those characters that grew up the same time I grew up. Kinda like visiting with old friends.The episodes bring me back to that time in my life. Back to all those things that I felt were extremely complicated and difficult issues, that now some how seem ever so trivial and minute. The time when life 's little bumps where just bumps and not giant sink holes. But They say that life is all about this bumps and sink holes.

One of the episodes that I am drawn back too is one with Joey and Dawson. Best friends yet, life gets in the way to complicate it. In this episode one of the lines that stuck out to me this time is Joey asking Dawson, "Do you think every Joey has a Dawson and ever Dawson has a Joey?" Dawson then replies with "I sure hope so." This is the way I feel about a best friend of my own. I hope that every Jen has a Luke and every Luke has a Jen. He gives me the straight side of things that no one else can. Trust me I need it especially lately. He points out the truth and says it and listens when I need to be heard. He is my movie buddy. I just can't seem to go to any movie without him. He's Luke and his my best friend. I'm just lucky enough to have him in my life.

Call me cynical in my old age if you want but I think that good friends and best friends is all we can ever hope for. I find this picturesque view on love over rated and highly derived from Hollywood and children's fairy tales. I feel as though in a society that covets the idea of sex more then the idea of Love one that is highly self motivated and maybe even a little to real for the world its self. I find that the whole wondrous romanticism of love is lost in this society. I think that society and culture in it's self holds out for the ideal love. Though being in it's self not able to attain it reaches for the next best thing which is sex. I believe that in this loveless broken world that it is merely impossible to find this love that we are taught to believe in as a child. Therefore ruining the picture perfect marriage and family in which we are taught to strive for. So, in light of that I reach to my friends. For I know that the ideal great love is one that is a myth to me.

understanding love

So, as the relationship of me and my boyfriend came to an end the other day. I am not sad. I am not in the least bit sad. I feel more freed. It was a very sudden relationship that I know that both of us were not ready for and in the end we just rushed in to something. We both acted the way that we thought that we should. I'm not sorry that we did what we did. I know that it is better to end it.

I though this week again realized that I am not getting any younger and I felt the ticking of the proverbial clock. I know that more then anything that I want a family of my own. I have a great desire for it. I know that God knows this. I keep praying so that God will show me when I am ready for that special person that will be in my life forever.

This leads me to the discussion and the trying to understand Love. What it is really going to be like to have the one that I LOVE. God keeps leading me back to of course the typical set of verses in Corinthians. The over used wedding reading. The Love is...verses.

1 Corinthians 13:3-7

4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,

5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I have become attached to this version of the text all because of the of verse 5. "does not act unbecomingly;" I have learned with this most recent relationship what this means. The word unbecomingly is one that I remember of my childhood. I remember being told not to look in the mirror so much it is unbecoming. It easier for me to relate to then the "It is not rude," found in other translations.

I feel God almost is leading me through the verses and the situations that match with the verses. The hardest seems for me to understand is "Love is patient." I am trying to understand and live this way in all ways in my life. I am trying to live a Godly loving life with my friends, family and everyone that I met. I have a deep passion for Outreach and Welcoming ministries. It is my dream to finish my book and someday lead churches in a direction of growth in which they reach out and welcome others from there communities. Then someday opening an outreach art center. I feel as though God has placed this on my heart.

I feel the understanding of love is a huge part of welcoming in any church and for any Christian. If you don't understand the greatest gift in which God gave us. Then as Christians how do we expect others to relate to what they see in us. God is love. But what is love. I feel as though it is my calling right now to understand love.

Sad....

Sad

That is the feeling I am having today. Just feeling like everyone around me is going super fast in so many different directions and I am standing still. Like I'm in the middle and no one has time to slow down and see what is wrong. I'm feeling like spending time with me is something no one has time for lately. Time for everyone else but me maybe it is because everyone else is easier to hang out with or maybe because I am alone most of the time. I work my few hours a day and I come home. I do a whole lot of nothing then go to bed and do it all over again the next day. I feel as though the social aspect of my life is missing. It's not like I don't try and change it either. I think of things to do then invite people. Then they always have so much going on...that they just can't do it. They are too busy for me! So, I am feeling sad! That is the feeling of the day...and a little bit like a hermit.

When blogging gets to be too much...

So, life with me is really really good right now. Who would complain? I have a part time job in a kindergarten class and a soon to be job working in after school care for the YMCA. Really, I will just get paid to play! I am in a relationship where I am truly happy and everyone can tell. Yes, we have our ups and downs. Nothing can always be perfect. But we do have our moments. All in all I can not have any complaints about my life right now. God is Good.
Though there is something that God is doing in my life that I know is only between me, God and one other person. Though deep down I have this need almost that I should write some blog about. I'm not sure if it is some ridiculous addiction to blogging or it really is something that God wants me to share. I think that it is more the first then the last. I feel as though I need to blog about it...Like some how this will make me a better person if I put it out there for the world to see...that some how I will get some affirmation from someone out there. That I need this outside affirmation to make what is going on real.
God is God and he should give me the affirmation that I need. I shouldn't look for it somewhere else. He is good enough for me. I guess I just need to believe that this is true!

Educations system and telus...what do they have in common?

So, now that I have decided to take a semester off. So that someday I can afford to go back and finish my education. I have now have the need to find employment. This is not that hard of a task one would think in the job market in which we are living in right now.
**Warning to all those who might work for Telus**

So far, I would not say that it has been hard finding work. Well, I have a job. It is waiting for me. The position has been empty since it was created in November. I pretty much have an in. It is at the elementary school that my mom works at. The principle told me to apply for this job. It is in a kindergarten class. I also know the teacher of the class and she asked me today when I get to start working. That is the question. I applied for this job before Christmas through the wonderful world of Telus. Cause Telus knows so much about hiring people to work with children. Yeah for the school board contracting out staffing. So, about a month ago I applied for this position. I sent my resume off to the person that the principle said that she was in contact with. A week ago I get a message from another woman wanting to do a phone interview. So, I call her back. First of all she can't find my resume. That is aways a good sign. Then there were some lovely interview questions that were unrelated to working with children and ones more relating to an office setting. Me being me I just kinda wanted to get it over with and done. So, I answered the best I could and told her I would email her my resume and references. This I did and then the next thing I hear is that she found my resume but hadn't received my references. So I again send her my references. So, today I find out that I am dealing with one lady and the principle of the school another. The principle is really trying to speed up the process as much as possible. Cause it has only been a month since a applied and 2 months since she started the process of hiring anyone for this position. So, someone anyone tell me why the school board would make such a crappy decision to give over the hiring to Telus. It is not like they are doing a wonderful job at it.

Blessed!

Hallelujah
by Teddy Geiger


You're the girl in the back of the room
My wallflower that's in bloom
You're so oblivious to this
I could fall into those eyes
Pretty circles that I try to escape into, yeah
Well hallelujah when you look at me
And hallelujah you're the halo over me
And you're all that I need

Chorus
With you, every day is Saturday
With you, Every word you say is like a song
With you well, everything is obvious
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Well I found you, I found you
I found you, Hallelujah

I never thought I'd take that jump
A nervous laugh around someone
I'm sleeping in the palm of your hand
The way you whisper on the phone
I hear your voice when I'm alone
Cause you always understand just who I am

And hallelujah your love is free
And hallelujah you're the halo over me
And you're all that I need

Chorus

The best things are unexpected just like this
Like a billboard in the sky you just can't miss
And I'm never letting this love go
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Chorus


One of my favorite songs...from one of those teeny bopper popular music guys...I just love it. It fits me feelings lately so well. I am blessed beyond measure. Only God has this much love for me to give me such a wonderful person to get to know so well. With everything I learn about him the closer the bond grows between us. Every moment I spend with him I thank God that he has blessed us with this time together. As we strive to keep God at the center of our relationship. God, is the most important thing to us and what ever we do has to be for His good. There are reasons that are yet to be seen that we are together at this time. I know that God has a greater plan then we can see. So, I ask for prayer for us. Just keep us in your minds.